Speculum
by jade
Summary: In the midst of the rebuilding of Crystal Tokyo, Hotaru reflects over the death of Setsuna in the R manga.


You know it isn't really all that helpful that I should be writing more chapters of Second Chances and If Wishes and instead all I can write our song fics. But yeah, Hotaru sure gets to be in a lot of these! Hotaru/Yaten, S season Hotaru, Hotaru to Setsuna. I wonder why that is? Hmm…mystery…

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon characters. Also I don't own "Speculum" by Adema.

Warnings: Sad. Really sad. I think I'm making these fragmented sentences just to spite grammar check. Oh, mentions of infidelity and stuff like that. 

Speculum

**_"There's so many people dying, you complain about,"_**

****It was over. It was finally over. The threat of Nemesis is gone. All over people are celebrating the victory of the Neo Queen Serenity. No one really knows at what price though. The public has no knowledge of your existence. It was better that way. Remember? The only public senshi were the Inners, who loved the attention. Weren't we always back in the shadows? Always standing silently watching and guarding to the best of our abilities. 

            Michiru and Haruka left. They packed up the convertible yesterday and left without telling a soul. I watched them do it. They can't stand it one second more. Neither can I. But I can't leave. Not yet. I bet if I would have asked, they would have taken me with them. We were always close. They raised me from an infant, so did you. 

            It's different without you here. It's as though that rift that we've been holding off for so long has finally settled in. We pretended we beat it but could we have ever bridged the gap between the Inner Senshi and the Outer Senshi? 

**_"Your situation, what about me?"_**

****And when it was really ready to break, you left. We all listened to the fights between Serenity and Endymion. This castle isn't made of crystal anymore, just glass. I can hear them shouting again. Who knows what about? You, most likely. You, who everyone forgot the moment they could. 

            Did the Inner Senshi care? Did the Queen care? Or the King? The Inner Senshi seemed sad that a soldier had died, one so valuable as you, the Guardian of Time. It didn't matter that a person had died too, a soul that was too weary to take another step. That's not who you were to them. You were just a wise advisor who was always in the shadows because you couldn't bear to step out of them. Not with the shame you carried on your back.

            The Queen mourned you. You had saved everyone when it was thought that all was lost. But who ended up with all the glory? Who ended up victorious? Who was it that would be remembered for truly stopping Nemesis? Not you. Not the one who really deserves it. 

            Look at your grave. A tall tombstone telling us to remember how courageous and dutiful you were. They couldn't see past your position even though they always said to look past _hers_. Oh, don't think of her as the Neo-Queen, she's still the same Usagi. No she isn't! She's not her anymore! I remember Usagi; she was not the Neo-Queen. The Neo-Queen who's so wrapped up in herself that she doesn't give a damn about anything else. Usagi would have honored you. Usagi saw you as a person. 

**_"Half the world, wouldn't know what it's like to lose your seed"_**

****That's why the kingdom of Crystal Tokyo was truly dying. We could all see that the end was near. Let them pretend we would have eternal peace. Let them pretend that they have made a utopia. I'll mourn you as the person you were. I'll mourn you as the person who really did give everything to Crystal Tokyo and your Queen no matter what it cost you.

            It's not as though I'm alone, Michiru and Haruka sat weeping over your grave together, promising that they remember you always. I can trust that they will keep to that promise. Why did they leave then? Because a week after your death, we were all shocked by the behavior of the others.

            _"The people are still celebrating Neo-Queen." Aino Minako smiled as she saw the crowds of people in the street, dancing, singing, doing everything to show how much they loved their Queen._

_            "Peace, it finally reigns." Neo-Queen Serenity _

_            "If it weren't for you, none of this would be." Kino Makoto stated clearly. Suddenly a tray of good was knocked to the floor, the silver making an odd noise against the marble floors._

_            "What about Setsuna?" Haruka asked them in an accusing tone. _

_            "Setsuna died for us to be happy and to keep the kingdom alive." Neo-Queen Serenity had a look of regret deep in her eyes. But her face was cold. _

_            "That's not true!" I stood up, tears in my eyes. "She died because she wanted to." _

_            "That's nonsense. Setsuna did not want to die." Neo-Queen Serenity told me. "Besides, Setsuna's help was valuable in the last battle, without it I would not have won."_

_            "How can you say it like that?" Haruka demanded, hitting her fist on the table. "You were the one who deserved to die!" _

**_"Maybe you can understand, how it feels,"_**

****I was just as angry. I felt like you had been cheated. Cheated into thinking that you mattered to the Neo-Queen. Cheated to the point where you would have the made the sort of sacrifices that you did. Neo-Queen Serenity had pretended as though it was she who had destroyed Nemesis. It wasn't her, it was her younger self, the self that loved life and every moment of it. But Usagi was dead. 

            Of course no one but Michiru and I could feel for Haruka's words. She spoke truth. Neo-Queen Serenity was not my Queen. Not the Queen I met so many years ago and knew I would protect until I died, my last breath giving her life. Did you see the change? Or maybe, it wasn't the Neo-Queen whom you truly swore your loyalty too. 

            I wonder if he deserved it.  

**_"I cannot reach that soul, you're probably watching over us,"_**

****Do you see the world where you are now? Do you hate everything that you loved? How does it feel to see the truth? It hurts me. I wonder what I truly am to others. I know that Michiru and Haruka would be torn when I finally died. They would feel the anger and loss of losing someone you really love. I wonder if you knew how much you were loved. 

            But what would happen if I were the last of us, the four of us to die? Would anyone would stand over my grave and cry no matter how long it had been since I had died? Would anyone reminisce about the good old days? Will I ever be a part of someone's life as I was to yours? You trusted me and loved me as the daughter and later, the sister that you never had. I'm glad that you could pretend that I was your daughter. 

            When your true daughter never knew. 

**_"Know that I think of you, it's killing me,"_**

****I think of you, with that look telling us how faraway you always felt. I wanted to be where you were so I could tell you that you were never alone. We loved you so deeply, more then you'll ever know. You couldn't see it though. You wanted a love that you couldn't have. Your sense of self worth was almost nonexistent. 

            I'm here, trying to tell you still, even when it's too late. You're important, the most important person in my life. When Usagi ceased to be, there was only one person that I would have died for. There was only one person that was my true Queen. I love you Setsuna. You were my mother, my teacher, my friend, my sister, and my fellow soldier. 

            Why couldn't you see it before? Before everything that happened? 

**_"Guilt has lasted years, still cry,"_**

****Before you went, and before my eyes were opened with the moment of hearing your death, I thought that the Neo-Queen was above us all and that anything that somehow was a betrayal to her was wrong. You, you were never wrong. How could it ever be your fault? It never was. 

            It was him. It was him! He's the one at fault! I knew that you loved the King Endymion; you would have done anything for him. You would have broken every rule that you lived by just to please him. And he knew! He knew and still he did exactly as he wanted. 

            You were lonely. I kept you company and still you wanted someone who loved you as a woman. And there was only one man who you wanted to love you as a woman. You couldn't have him; it was treason to even have thoughts or feelings for him. But to go as far as you did. 

            Usagi was Endymion's true love. What happens when your love dies? You want solace. And you, you were full of the love that the Neo-Queen had once had in her own heart before it turned to stone. Endymion wanted the love that he once had. Maybe you can't blame him. Maybe you can justify the first time he went to your bed. But I can't. Not when he never visits your grave. Not when he never admits what happened. 

            But it went so much further then that didn't it? When you finally did tell me the truth, I was appalled. How could you? How could you do that to the Queen? You weren't who I thought you were! I yelled at you, screamed at you. Cried as you sat there, calmly hearing every word and taking it, as if you deserved it. The only thing you really deserved was to truly be loved. And to have the truth be known. Was Endymion ashamed? Ashamed about how he used you? Or was he ashamed of you? I never told Haruka or Michiru. Haruka would have killed him, knowing the way you were tossed aside without a second thought. 

**_"It was all planned out,"_**

****You never fooled me though. I knew why you did it. You knew the consequences of stopping time and you embraced it. You couldn't go on. Not with the things riding on your conscious, giving you no rest. If they had known anything, there would be other people mourning you. Or at least, one more person.

            No one ever knew that Endymion had gotten you pregnant. As soon as you knew, you went to the Time Gates and would not leave them. I was the only one who knew how to get to them without your help. I tried to tell you that it was fine. Don't tell anyone who the father was. She could raise the child herself, I would help. It would be like when she was my mother, so long ago. And you were consoled by this. 

            The Queen was pregnant and everyone was so happy that soon there would be an heir to the kingdom. I wondered if this child could be happy with a kingdom that was breaking. Every splinter cutting into us. Ami and I were the only ones in the room during the birthing. The baby was taken out to be washed but there was an accident. The baby was too weak to survive more then a few moments. Ami wasn't in the room with me then, she was checking on the Neo-Queen. I had a dead baby in my hands, Endymion appeared and asked where the child was, the Queen wanted to hold her daughter. 

            Numbly I showed him the child. The baby wasn't squalling like your baby, born yesterday had been. No one but you and I had witnessed that event. Endymion sat down, his head in his hands, a man who had truly lost everything and didn't understand what to do. 

            His savior, his lover, and his comfort appeared. You were holding your child, a small girl with red eyes, so like your own. At that moment you were faced by a terrible decision. And when you saw that look in Endymion's eyes, you had already made up your mind. There were tears in my eyes as I handed the baby to the Neo-Queen who was delighted with her new daughter. 

            You and I cried together, knowing that it was the end of something.

**_"Why was I last to know?  Don't you trust in me?"_**

****You lied when you told me that it would pass. You wouldn't be sad. Endymion stopped coming to you seeking comfort, to busy raising his child to think of the mother. To think of what you had done, just for him. 

            No one can stand by and watch their child grow up, but only at a distance. Not really under their care. If she knew the truth, Chibi-usa would be next to me, holding my hand and crying. She loved you as a friend. A friend! What kind of world was this? You were the best of all of us, the very best. The only one who could have done that for the kingdom. 

            Not even the Neo-Queen could make that sort of sacrifice. She was incapable of doing anything like that. Damn her! Damn her and her husband! Why did we live and die for them? What made them so damn special? They were nothing compared to you. They were just faces, their souls were gone! Were we all dead? We couldn't see the truth until you were dead.

            With your death, you gave me life. You showed me the truth of our existence.

**_"The table's cold, it's too late,"_**

****Does it matter now? Why should we be thinking of the great injustices of your life? I can't move on. I can't get passed this feeling or any others. I brought you flowers today. Red roses. I knew you loved them. Was it because of him? Or was it because you truly did love them, all on your own? I got you a dozen. Then I ended up buying another. The last one, the last one is for Chibi-usa. 

            I can't have any sort of animosity towards her. She's an innocent child and has no idea what the truth is. She's blissfully ignorant of what really died that day. I wanted you to be able to tell her one day. I wanted her to have her shoulders shake as she realized the truth and tears of sadness from those lost years would flow down her cheeks. And she would run into your open arms. To her true mother. But now she'll never have that. She'll never know what it's like to be held in the arms of someone who really loved her like a daughter. 

            And you had to be reminded of that every day; she would never really know you as her mother. It hurt you deeply. I was there that day the Neo-Queen spoke to you about it.

            _"Sailor Pluto, is Chibi-usa bothering you?" The Neo-Queen asked you. "I'll tell her not to bother you; you have your duties to think about."_

_            "No, Small Lady doesn't bother me." You bowed your head. _

You were so pleased that she even knew that you existed, you didn't care that she ran all about the Time Gates, asking hundreds of questions. I was so pleased that you could spend time with her. It made you happy. Happier then you had been in a long time. But she still wasn't yours. 

**_"To make up for these mistakes, maybe you can't understand,"_**

So think of me as the daughter you could raise. Think of me as the daughter that was really yours. Think of me. Wherever you are, I hope you can finally be at peace for once in your life. 

            Did you kill yourself because of the guilt? Who did you feel guilty towards? Did you feel guilty that King Endymion would rather have been with someone who had a heart left? Did you feel guilty that you had sworn undying allegiance to someone who you would betray in a moment because of him? Did you feel guilty because you had to lie to your daughter? 

            I wonder if in your dying moments you felt guilty for lying to me and telling me that you would be fine. Did you think of me at all? One of the few people who loved you? Why do I have all these questions? I wish I could have answers.

**_"How it feels,"_**

****I remember the moment that I heard about your death. I was trying to help guard the palace with Michiru and Haruka. The other senshi only concerned with the Queen. The brilliant light of the Silver Crystal had lit up the whole sky. We knew that she was victorious. 

            Then we found out that the Neo Queen had not saved us all. It was her former self, come back from the past. Brought by Chibi-usa who had disappeared, not telling us of her plans. 

            _"Sailor Pluto has died." The Neo-Queen shook her head sadly. "The Time Guardian is no more."_

_            "What?" I could barely make my mouth work._

_            "She stopped time." The Neo-Queen explained. "I was there in spirit, watching it." _

And emotions welled up in me. I could not contain myself as I stood up in front of all the senshi and pointed my finger at him, King Endymion.

            _"You killed her!" I screamed at him. "You killed her you bastard!" _

**_I cannot reach that soul, you're probably watching over us,"_**

****I collapsed in tears and later they all told me how I had wildly accused King Endymion of killing you. But it was true. They thought that the accusation was completely ridiculous, I had just been upset. The King Endymion hadn't even been there when she died! 

            In your heart, I think he was. I think you saw him before you went. Chibi-usa told us your final words. 

            _"I... carried out my mission with honor... King... Your face is so close... Don't look so sad... Your lavender suit... The beautiful violet of sunset... King..."_

**_"Know that I think of you, it's killing me,"_**

****Chibi-usa had been full of questions then or more her heart had questions she wasn't sure she had the strength to ask. I wasn't strong enough to answer them. I tried to dry my face but it was impossible when there were still tears spilling down. The floodgates had been opened. But you still did not have justice. 

            Haruka and Michiru began to piece together what happened. They couldn't get anything out of me. How could I have told them that he truly had killed you? How could I have told them of something that you could barely tell me? Maybe one day, years from now I'll tell them everything. The whole truth. 

            They'd be unhappy that you never told them yourself. They always wanted to be there for you but how could they when you wouldn't let them in? If only you had opened your heart to them, maybe you'd still be alive. Maybe you would have let Usagi defeat Nemesis by herself. She could have done it. She was strong enough. But you knew how to kill yourself without revealing what you had done. 

            You didn't want to cause grief to anyone, as if you were a burden in the first place. So you chose the perfect moment when they could look back and say you had done it for the kingdom. The kingdom! I had to laugh at that. It was a bitter laugh but it was a bitter joke as well. 

**_How it feels,_**

****Why did you have to love him? Why couldn't you love someone else? Someone with a soul. Someone who was alive. No, it was him. I still don't know why. Maybe one day you can show me why, you can show me all the things that you saw. I don't see them. 

            I know I shouldn't feel this hate towards him. Or her. Things change, what did I expect? I forgive you, you who had no one like they did. I wish I could have been everything you needed. I would have tried just for you. You could have asked me. I forgive you for your mistakes. They were made because you were so loving, so giving. 

            How would you know how they through every gesture back at you as though you were nothing? I'll never let them forget what they did. They deserve the pain that they were living with. I hope it hurt them. 

            I hope that Endymion can't do anything without the thought of your death always on his shoulders, weighing him down. I hope it's his last thought when he goes to sleep and his first thought when he gets up that he destroyed something as beautiful as you. 

**_"If I would have known, I can't say what I would have done,"_**

****Someone was standing there with me. No one ever came to her grave anymore. Just me. I turned to see who was there to mourn her death as well. I froze as I saw him. How dare he come here? The King Endymion, wasn't he the reason she was dead?

            "Can I join you Saturn?" He asked me seriously. Was I the keeper of her grave? I simply nodded. 

            A silence, the sound that I enjoyed most swept through. 

            "You were right you know." Endymion pulled out a rose from thin air, his only ability to lay it down with the thirteen others. "I killed her."

            "She trusted you." I tried not to start pounding my fists into his fist and demanding that he pay for what he had done. "She trusted you with all her heart."

            "I don't think you'll believe me when I say that I did love her." Endymion's eyes were watering. Tears? Him? Was he even capable of those still?

            _You did this to yourself, what are you here for? _

"Did you ever tell her that?" I turned to him angrily. "Did you ever tell her that you loved her? Did you ever make sure that she knew?"

            "I did tell her." Endymion confessed. "And for what's it worth, I'm sorry." 

            "She forgave you. I don't know if I ever can." I looked him straight in the eye. "I'm telling Chibi-usa the truth. Then I'm going to London and living with Michiru and Haruka." 

            "Chibi-usa deserves the truth." Endymion nodded. "I'd like to be there when you tell her. Then, I have another favor to ask." 

            "What is it?" I asked. I was surprised by his actions, his words. Was he still alive? Is this what Setsuna saw? Was she trying to show me why she did what she did? 

            "I'd like to go with you and live with the Outers. Setsuna…she was my bride even if there was never a ceremony. I have no love for the Neo-Queen." Endymion spoke softly; it was obvious that Setsuna's death pained him. He had been silent other then those arguments with Serenity. 

            "What about Chibi-usa?" I still had not budged in my tone. 

            "Her too." Endymion closed his eyes. "She's going to the past again but when she comes back…when she comes back she'll live with her real family." 

            "I am willing to take Chibi-usa in; she deserves a family, her real family. You, I wouldn't allow in my house. Not now, not yet." I turned back to her grave stone. 

            "I understand." Endymion turned to walk away. 

            "However, I will honor what would have been Setsuna's wishes. You will be welcome in our home. And maybe…maybe one day I'll forgive you." This is what I would do for Setsuna. This is what I would do for her. It would part her at rest. "For her."

            "Thank you." A tear ran down Endymion's tear. "Thank you." 

            This is my last visit to your grave for a long time. I'll come back in a year. A year until I tell you all that I can about the world. I know that you'll be listening. And maybe one day we can rebuild a little by little what had once been. Maybe one day...

            **_"If you could forgive, I'd like to rest with you someday," _**

****_Setsuna…Till we meet again…_

*                                              *                                              *

            Okay that was super sad. That was sadder then I thought it was going to be. Will it make Teresa cry? WILL ANYTHING MAKE HER CRY??? Or at least make her go teary? That dying line of Setsuna really IS her dying line in the manga. Well I think she has one more line of "I couldn't protect Small Lady." But still. Wow, the Neo-Queen sure really got shot in the head in this fic didn't she? Let's sing the Jade is biased song!

Teresa: Let's not.

Jade: Oooooooh.

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End file.
